Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’