I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Body by Oreos
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.