Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?