I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE