BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose