If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My first son he is wonderful
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
You know…for fall…
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.