I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.