Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
stand with me against insufficient seating
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.