“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I can’t deal with men any longer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Squirrels before girls.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*