Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
You Might Also Like
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
S O O N
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[montage of me giving-up]
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight