I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby