Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Can’t, holding a grudge
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Breaking news:
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable