“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Wake me when AI does housework
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.