If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
step 6: release the wall snake
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson