HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
#growingpains
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
why isn’t he texting back
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
This cat wants you to take your pills
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.