Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.