perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
s
oc
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.