Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?