If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
When someone trying to leave me
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game