[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You Might Also Like
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
What if the weather talks about us?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”