Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”