Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
This raises questions
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
being a writer on Twitter:
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs