Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
twitter users today:
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.