Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me when my alarm goes off
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!