The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.