My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.