Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.