My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule