HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Pigeon open mic night.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live