PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You Might Also Like
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo