I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.