waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.