[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out