no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Breaking news:
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
describing stardew valley
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Its a hippotatomus
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.