‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
stop
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If I ignore life will it go away?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch