They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
How to wake up a Beagle
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
only 11 steps left
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Any time a child tries to guess my age.