Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.