One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*