I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???