Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”