Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You Might Also Like
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
🔦🌙👣
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats