the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
You Might Also Like
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The first matador
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that