Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.