Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.