you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.