[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…