‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME