mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.