[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
A man of commitment.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?