I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
the simulation is moving too fast
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter